LEARNING THAT YOUR PARTNER IS TRANSGENDER

Victoria Kerr (formerly Morrissey)
Perth Counsellor & Psychotherapist

Learning that your partner is transgender can be a shocking and overwhelming experience. Even if you have suspected, the reality of knowing can bring up varying emotions and throw you into turmoil. It is not uncommon to experience feelings of disbelief, anger, sadness, panic, repulsion, fear and betrayal. It can raise many questions about yourself, your relationship, your history together and can cause you to question your partner's sexuality and their feelings for you. It is often a time of distress and can be traumatic for all involved.

Your partner has most likely been processing the fact that they are transgender for a long time. For some people with Gender Dysphoria it will have felt very clear from an early age that the gender they have been born with or assigned at birth, differs from the one with which they identify. For others, they may have always felt that something wasn't quite right and it's taken them a long time to realise, to accept and to gain the courage to come out.

By the time your partner has opened up to you, it is likely that they have accepted the situation and have an understanding of the consequences. It can take a lot of courage for them to share that they are transgender especially as sometimes this can signify the end of relationships and cause much hurt and distress for the people they love and care for.

Discovering that your partner is transgender can be a very lonely and isolating experience even more so if you don't have close friends or family who are able to offer support and compassion without judgement. You may feel disoriented and overwhelmed and have many questions that you want to ask, the following terms and definitions may assist you to gain understanding.

Gender Dysphoria

This describes a persons discomfort, internal conflict, distress and overwhelming sense that their gender is inconsistent with the physical gender assigned at birth. Many individuals with Gender Dysphoria can become socially withdrawn and develop anxiety and depression.

Transgender

This is an umbrella term that includes all people who experience a different sense of gender identity to the one that they were assigned at birth.

Sex/Gender

When born, babies are generally identified as being either male or female based on genitals and reproductive organs, however some babies are born with both or a mixture of male and female reproductive organs and therefore do not neatly fit into the category of being male or female.

Intersex

This term refers to those who are born with genetic, hormonal and chromosomal conditions which are both male and female

Gender Identity

A person's internal sense of self. How they feel and how they experience themselves in relation to being male, female or androgynous.

Gender expression

This is the way in which a person lives, behaves and interacts in society based on the gender that they feel they are

Gender reassignment

Gender reassignment refers to those who choose hormone treatment and other interventions which reflect change and transition into a different gender to that assigned at birth. Not all people choose to proceed with Gender Reassignment Surgery to change their physiological sex.

Transitioning

This is when a person engages in the necessary changes to live their lives as the gender in which they identify. Changes could include, the way they dress and appearance in general, hormone treatment, speaking differently (changing voice to more feminine or masculine) and any form of surgery that may support the transition (not always genital reconstruction).

Transsexual

Is a general term used to describe a person who transitions from the gender they where assigned at birth to another gender. The person who completes this process will often refer to themselves as either male or female, not transsexual.

Sexual orientation/identity

Gender identity and Sexual identity are very different and have no relation to each other. A transgender person can identify as being heterosexual, bisexual, gay or lesbian. It is possible for sexual orientation to change when gender transition is complete, however it also may remain the same. For many Transgender people, sexual orientation is not their focus, rather, gender dysphoria and transitioning to develop congruency with their gender identity are at the forefront.

While there is growing support for those who are transgender and transitioning, there is less support for partner's and families. It is important that you are (both) able to work through the emotions and complexities this situation brings while trying to understand and respect each others journey's especially if there are children involved.

You may be wondering, 'what now?' or thinking 'do I stay or do I leave?' If you are unsure of what to do, it may be helpful to see a therapist with or without your partner, in order for you to explore your feelings and to gain some clarity before making decisions.

If you have recently learned that your partner is transgender or if you are transgender and are considering how to share this with your partner or family, You are welcome to contact Victoria.

Phone: 0438 983 590
Email: v.kerr@bigpond.com (or enquiries@applecrosscounselling.com.au)

NOTE: If you would like to register you interest in a support group for partners of transgender people please email Victoria

Applecross Counselling & Psychotherapy
Attadale Business Centre
14b, 550 Canning Hwy
Attadale WA 6153
www.applecrosscounselling.com.au

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