Relationship Styles

Clare Walker
Perth Counsellor & Psychotherapist

We all have a general predisposition to a certain relationship style (known as "attachment style"). This is mainly formed as a result of our relationship experiences with with our caregivers when we were younger. It is these early experiences that shape our expectations of future relationships. They become our internal working model that we unconsciously use to predict and understand our relationships with family, friends and romantic partners.

Understanding our own attachment style and emotional needs are an important part of knowing ourselves as individuals and in relationship to others. In romantic relationships, being able to understand our partner's attachment style and where there may be conflict with our own can enable us to appreciate differences. This, in turn, can help us to communicate our needs as well as accommodate those of our partner, leading to a more balanced relationship.

There are three main adult romantic attachment types:

Secure attachment style

For those with a secure attachment style, they enter into adult relationships with the expectation of feeling secure and having their needs met by their partner. There is higher likelihood that they will feel comfortable with close relationships and are able work through the differences between themselves and their partner. They are also more likely to be able to communicate their needs to their partner and respond to their partner's cues and needs, without too much emotional turmoil.

Anxious attachment style

For those with an anxious attachment style, they are likely to have a stronger need for closeness with their partner and have a high capacity for emotional intimacy. There can be a tendency for this attachment style to be more sensitive to their partner's moods and actions, often worrying that they may be responsible in some way. This can take up a lot of their emotional energy. They often rely on their partner to provide the validation and reassurance they need to feel secure in the relationship.

Avoidant attachment style

For those with an avoidant attachment style, it is important for them to maintain their own independence and self-reliance and often they have a stronger need for autonomy in their relationships. While they may actively seek out relationships and have a desire to be close to their partner, they may not feel comfortable with too much closeness. Fears can arise when they feel engulfed by their partner's needs, resulting in them seeking some space in the relationship. Their partner may describe the avoidant partner as emotionally distant.

Problems can arise for couples when differing attachment styles and emotional needs are misunderstood or poorly communicated. These simple examples can provide some insight into some common issues:

Tina says that her husband, James, does not take enough interest in her and is always questioning whether he loves her or not. James responds that he does love her, but he is always busy with work and when he has down time he wants to relax and play golf.

John constantly worries that his girlfriend, Donna, is having an affair as she has lots of male friends. He has told her he does not want her to see any of them any more. Donna has never been unfaithful and loves John, but feels her male friends are an important part of who she is and wants John to trust her.

Michael does not find it difficult to get girlfriends but, after a couple of months, he usually finds an excuse to end the relationship when it starts to become serious. He says that women expect too much from him and he needs his own space.

Being able to understand and communicate your attachment needs is an important part in building a more secure attachment style. Clare Walker, Counsellor and Psychotherapist, has a strong interest in adult attachment styles and the impact this can have on individuals and couples, both in terms of getting in, and staying in, mutually satisfying relationships. She can be contacted at:

Applecross Counselling & Psychotherapy
Attadale Business Centre
14b, 550 Canning Hwy
Attadale WA 6153
www.applecrosscounselling.com.au
Email: enquiries@applecrosscounselling.com.au

References: Attached (2011) by A Levine & R Heller & Couple Therapy (2008) by J Crawley & J Grant.

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